I feel so shallow and silly for paying so much attention to my appearance lately. But there’s so much gender stuff tied into it.

Today my hairdresser told me last time I was in the store someone said I was really cute and asked about me, which was pretty sweet considering the type of people who frequent Bikurious. I don’t dislike the way I look, but I tend not to think of myself as attractive to other people, really. I know what I was wearing last time I was in the store too (I usually take a picture when I get a haircut), and I was presenting pretty boyish. That someone saw me in that outfit and actually thought I was cute is… really reaffirming.

And then later today I was in Simon’s, and going to the fitting room. It was in the mens’ section, because… well, I was getting mens’ clothes. I’ve been in that fitting room a whole number of times before, dressed in various ways, and never had a problem. Today a guy insited that I go to the women’s instead. Because… I don’t know. Because it’s so easy to see me as a woman, I guess.

I know it shouldn’t matter, so long as I think I look good, and the people who matter to me think I look good (and they tend to). But it bothers me so much and I keep thinking that it’s my fault and I should be doing more. I’d rather be read as a guy than a girl, despite being neither, and the fact that people don’t even blink before calling me “madame” or “miss” just wears me down.

Ugh. Anyways, I have a new shirt and some slim black pants. I’m just going to sit around at home tomorrow in my nice clothes and harumph and make notes about viruses.